My First Novel “A VULGAR TALE” is Now Available on Paperback!
I am very excited to announce that my very first novel has just been released on paperback. A VULGAR TALE is unlike anything you have ever read or will ever read again, I can pretty much guarantee that. It’s like an atomic bomb going off inside your brain, but in a really good way. Why does it have this effect? Because it’s the most degenerate, twisted, outlandish, thrilling and spectacularly vulgar novel that I’m aware exists. I do not normally write stories like this at all, let alone full-blown epic sagas of near-unimaginable freakishness. Hence the use of the pretty kick ass nom de plume, “Ebenezer Hellwig”. Mark my words, I’ll never write a book like this again. My soul can’t handle that much blackness.
So maybe you want to read something that’s different. Maybe you want to read something that’s just plain weird. Maybe, you want to indulge in something so out there and so unashamedly bizarre that you doubted such a book even existed. Now I’m not trying to toot the bejesus out of my own horn endlessly here, but I honestly don’t know of anything that even comes close to what this book is. It’s very niche. It lives in a little niche somewhere in the vast literary ocean, a bubbling eddy full of used needles, condoms, the bones of the slain and general nastiness. Oh yeah, it’s A VULGAR TALE alright! The name is also the synopsis, just so you know. Make no bones about it, this is a unique beast.
So, what’s it all about? Well allow me to quote the blurb on the back of the book for you:
When a giant scrotum-like god with phallic-shaped tentacles comes from another dimension to destroy Metropolis, it’s up to two complete assholes with a history of drug abuse and mindless violence to go on a thrilling interdimensional quest to save the day and get laid.
On the instructions of a tutu-wearing biker fairy with type-two diabetes, Ludwig Scumbucket and Basehead Bart set off to fulfil the stupid and mostly-incoherent prophecy and tear shit up like only they know how. Travelling through the very fabrics of existence itself, the inept duo encounter all manner of ridiculousness…and leave it a bloody wreck.
A quest of absurdity for the ages, A Vulgar Tale is sure to warp your mind and liquidise your sanity. If you’re a fan of bizarre adventure, the more deranged the better, then this unholy tome is your jam, man. Featuring plot points fit for a king, a string of gratuitous brutality, mullet abuse and characters so intriguing they belong wedged up Satan’s colon, A Vulgar Tale is as outrageous as it comes.
Is it good? Well of course I’m going to say yes, but don’t just take my word for it. Look at the amazing quotes I got from long-dead historical figures who graciously provided me with their opinions when asked:
“It made me evacuate the contents of my bowels against my will, in a good way”
– RAMESSES II
“Better than a heroin cake”
– DANTE ALIGHIERI
“Unashamedly bizarre, ridiculous, deranged and spectacularly degenerate on a truly grand scale, A Vulgar Tale is weaponised epic on steroids”
– VLAD DRACULA
And really, who are we to doubt these fine, upstanding and very much dead people?
So there you have it, in all its glory. A VULGAR TALE is my little, mutated, bastard baby. It’s a sick, sadistic, comedic adventure with a fully enthralling quest of amazing shit and unparalleled epic gratuitously applied for your pleasure. Okay fine, I’m totally blowing my own trumpet now.
In all seriousness though, this is my very first novel and I am very proud to have achieved this life goal of mine to get it published. It’s truly different to anything I’ve ever read before so I think if you have a taste for the bizarre and things that fall firmly outside the realms of normal, then I think you’ll dig it. It’s available right now on all regional Amazon websites in both ebook and fabulous paperback (for those who like to get all touchy feely with their books).
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read this, and please won’t you give A VULGAR TALE a try? Check out the ebook’s “Look Inside” preview, read a few chapters and see if it tickles your fancy. Go on, you know you want to! Also, if you do happen to read it (or have read it already) please leave a review on Amazon and/or Goodreads, I’d super appreciate it!
Your friend and mine,