There sure aren’t enough stories out there about magical fart donkeys. I’m aiming to solve that very real problem by posting this thrilling tale of animal vengeance. Originally written on the 6th September 2016.
“The Last Magical Fart Donkey”
The solemn animal stood in the corner of the shed, mud on its legs and a tear in its eye. She was an overworked slave donkey, the kind that hauls bricks around a burning desert for uncaring idiots with no conscience. If only they knew her secret. If only they knew she was a magical fart donkey.
Nowadays, magical fart donkeys are incredibly rare. Rarer than laser penguins actually, and twice as impressive in their unique abilities. You see, magical fart donkeys don’t just expel regular donkey farts, no sir. They fart out rainbows. And not even regular rainbows, but ones that produce sparkling pots of gold at the end.
There used to be many of them, back in the good old days before people discovered they liked the taste of magical fart donkey steak. Fart donkey nuggets were popular, sure, but magical fart donkey steaks were like an explosion of uncontrollable awesomeness in your mouth. Way back when, the skies used to be filled with rainbows and the pungent aroma of big piles of gold overflowing everywhere.
The donkeys were great for the environment too. No living creature ever got depressed when there were so many rainbows to see. Occasionally, a donkey would let out a double fart and produce a mind-boggling double rainbow. Tears of joy would run down the faces of every animal with a set of eyes.
All that ended however when the humans invented hate. That’s how it started. Then they invented war, which in turn was the precursor to ballistic weaponry. Magical fart donkeys were rounded up and enslaved in their thousands. They were force fed baked beans and kicked in the gut until they farted out their pot-o’-gold-carrying rainbows. The evil humans would aim the donkey’s anus at enemy camps and time the fart stoppage (via unnatural closing of the anal sphincter) so that the heavy pots of metal would materialise over their enemies’ heads, fall, and crush them into paste. What a horrendous race the humans turned out to be.
The lonely donkey was one of the last remaining pieces of magical fart artillery still alive. Her captors did not know this of course, and had assumed she was just a regular fart donkey. They had captured her in the Dim Jungle and were planning on turning her into nuggets. She was kept under lock and key in a dismal barracks and fed cabbage. Tonight was to be the night of their great banquet.
What the humans also did not know, however, was that magical fart donkeys can learn to hate as well.
For the previous week she had held in all the tiny little farts which wouldn’t have been strong enough to power a rainbow anyway, and had hatched a plan of wicked donkey vengeance. Those miserable fools will pay, she thought to herself as her stomach rumbled from storing the biggest fart in donkey history. She heard one of the men coming. From the tone of his voice he seemed to be extra jovial today. He must be coming to slaughter me, thought the donkey. She put her plan into action.
Turning around in the grotty shack, she faced the wall and pointed her anus at the opening door. Her captor stood in the entryway, but he did not make it another foot into the prison. Before he could do anything more, the magical fart donkey squeezed with every fibre of her being and unleashed the most catastrophic rainbow in the history of donkeys, meteorology or fairy tales.
Spearheaded by a giant cauldron of solid gold bullion, the rainbow obliterated the man at a molecular level before splitting off into several smaller rainbows and redirecting themselves skywards. When they reached their zenith, they stopped, and let their golden cargo plummet to the ground, where each pot of gold landed with a devastating sonic boom on every single human settlement on the face of the planet. The mega-rainbow had just wiped out the entire human race with spectacular efficiency and bright colours.
The magical fart donkey smirked to herself, and trotted out the open door.