Absurdist, ridiculous, alien-based comedic erotica with a focus on giving you a headache. That’s how I’d describe this short tale. What wonderful things will happen when an alien (from space no less) accidentally brutally kills a lesbian’s lover and the two subsequently fall for each other’s jiggly bits? Find out in this strange tale! Written on the 24th June 2016.
“Scissoring the Alien“
Vinjivola was an intergalactic silicon-based space vampire from the planet Oolala. Wendy was a run of the mill Earth lesbian with a gluten allergy. The two were destined to meet. Because excitement.
As Wendy was eating her obese lover’s hairy clam on the paving slabs outside their New York City apartment one sunny summer morning, a vagina-shaped spaceship suddenly crash landed on the larger woman’s meaty head. “Oh sweet tits, whatever have I gone and done?!” shouted the intergalactic silicon-based space vampire from planet Oolala when the spaceship’s door opened.
“You have done me a frighten,” said Wendy, beginning to cry as she looked up at the space vampire’s shapely body. “That was my obese lover and you just twatted her up real good. Behold, her head lies smashed to smithereens like a triple-chinned watermelon”.
The space vampire looked down at the pulpy splatter expanding like a burst haemorrhoid beneath her crashed spaceship. “Sordid. I’m totes sorry, oh strange creature. It was an accident and I am a space alien who also happens to be a vampire. However can I make it up to you?”
“Well…” began Wendy, rubbing her chin as she eyed the lusciously curvy contours of the sexy space alien who was also a vampire and also had double D breasts which jiggled and wiggled like jelly on a patent protected Sybian machine set to Orgasmageddon mode. “I’m now in dire need of a new lover. Be my sexy vampire space alien love object from beyond the stars”. It was a reasonable demand from a woman whose lover had just been royally twatted up by a vagina-shaped UFO which had reasonable mileage and an FM digital radio.
“That is a reasonable demand from a woman whose lover has just been royally twatted up by my vagina-shaped UFO which has reasonable mileage and an FM digital radio. To your boudoir at once! We scissor post-haste!” The vampire alien saluted like she was in the army, only she wasn’t in the army, she was an alien vampire from planet Oolala and that is how they confirm their submittal to interspecies lesbian sex.
The two females took each other’s hands and skipped merrily into Wendy’s New York City apartment with its five floors and nine bedrooms each with its own en suite because Wendy was a millionairess whose parents had won the lottery but died of gout before they could spend a penny and it had all went to her in the will and she’d bought this massive town house but referred to it as an apartment in an effort to come across as humble. Inside, they scissored.
For the next 30 days and 30 nights they scissored without sleep. Each room was scissored to pieces. So much scissoring was had that they had not noticed the police at the door who had come to investigate the obese dead lady whose head lay twatted apart beneath a vagina-shaped UFO from planet Oohlala outside Wendy’s front door. The police had battered down the entrance with a sun ripened battering ram imported from Outer Mongolia. It had been carved out of the oldest tree in Asia and was infused with forest magic by five Sistine monks who had went missing while on holiday over there and were later found and given jobs as battering ram manufacturers. The magic was not real, but the battering ram was, and so the door came a loose like a pair of cotton panties at a rock concert.
Once inside, the police found Wendy and Vinjivola scissoring like you wouldn’t believe. They were so scissored that they had resorted to scissoring in an actual bed because they were so exhausted, such were their insatiable scissorisms. The police attempted to arrest both the females for the murder of the obese lesbian outside, but the space vampire was having none of it. She had come to love sweet Wendy and her admittedly sagging-but-in-a-cute-kind-of-way breasts with the peanut sized nipples and vibrant tapestry of blue veins. To scissor is to love, and love she indeed did. So when the New York City police shot her in the vulva, she ceased scissoring and bit into their necks. One by one the boys in blue fell into pools of their own blood as they were slain by the curvaceous and profusely sweating intergalactic silicon-based space vampire who was now a lesbian who had evidently been forgiven by her new lover for accidentally brutally twatting the life out of her old lover with a vagina-shaped UFO to the head.
“I totes love the soggy knickers off you, you big sexy beast with divine albeit flawed-but-in-a-nice-way breasts. I want to take you back to planet Oohlala in my vagina-shaped spaceship if it’s still parked on your ex’s head outside where I left it,” mewed the vampire alien in triumph and lust.
Wendy was enraptured by everything about Vinjivola, especially her pierced nipples and perfectly formed double D breasts which were silicon-based and not silicone-based. She jumped into the air and performed a triple-tiered somersault into a corkscrew plancha straight into her lover’s open arms. “Oh sweet alien with the ripe norks and scissor skills to pay the bills, I love the fundamental basics of you! Of course I’ll jump in your vagina-shaped spaceship that killed my obese ex by twatting the life out of her bean, of course I will. Let us go to planet Oohlala and scissor until we think of something better to do!”
And so, arm in arm like two interspecies lesbians hugging because they were in love due to unforeseeable circumstances involving a vagina-shaped UFO and a battalion of dead NYPD cops, Vinjivola and Wendy jumped out of the fifth storey window and landed in the street below in front of the spaceship which by now had accumulated several parking tickets from being illegally parked for 30 days and 30 nights. But the alien vampire had forgotten her keys, and so asked Wendy if she had the front door key so they could go back inside and get it. However, owing to the fact that they were still both naked from a month of solid scissoring that would make a stationary factory full of lesbians blush, Wendy had accidentally left the front door key inside.
The lovers were stuck outside the apartment which wasn’t really an apartment but actually a five storey luxury town house but was incorrectly called an apartment by the owner because she thought it sounded more humble. They couldn’t get in the spaceship because it was locked and they couldn’t get in the house either for the exact same reason.
“We are highly naked and highly caught out,” said Wendy eventually as she finished checking her scissored-to-near-oblivion vagina for her house keys, just in case.
“Indeed Earthling whom I love so dearly despite being a different species but that’s okay because bestiality is not frowned upon on planet Oohlala from whence I came. We are in quite a pickle. Whatever shall we do now?”
“Nothing. We shall do nothing because I cannot think of anything appropriate for this situation, for you see my brains have been scrambled by our epic scissoring and intermittent nipple flicking,” said Wendy.
Just then Vinjivola remembered that in addition to being an intergalactic silicon-based space alien from planet Oohlala, she was also a vampire. And so she bit Wendy on the neck.
“Oh cripes! I had forgotten that in addition to being an intergalactic silicon-based space alien from the planet Oohlala you were also a vampire!” croaked Wendy as her lover drained her of all blood, killing her not quite instantly but close enough.
“Totally,” said Vinjivola. “I had almost forgotten too, what with the mindless scissoring and all”. Then she also remembered that she did not need a key to open her UFO because it was equipped with clap technology. The murderous vampire alien with the curvaceous body that would make iron melt clapped three times and the door to her spaceship opened. The door landed with a sickening crunch on top of Wendy’s head, twatting it apart like nobody’s business. Vinjivola climbed into her vagina-shaped spaceship, turned on the FM digital radio, pressed some more buttons and finally flew off, back into the outer reaches of the galaxy, from whence she came.