An entry from an unreleased book I wrote entitled Hangman’s Wrestling Bestiary. Originally written on the 9th October 2014.
“Jim Ross – A Barbecued Biography”
When the overwhelming stench of BBQ sauce is coming, you know that business is about to go bust. That’s because everyone’s favourite fat bastard and all-around twat, “Good Ol’ Jim Ross, has just entered the arena looking like a microwaved marshmallow and it’s time to start Monday Night Raw. For far too long now, the big fat mouth and slurred voice that goes with it has been a staple of WWE mediocrity and JR is now considered perhaps the most arrogant, bias, fat and irritating bullshitters to ever be allowed to wear a headset.
Like many of the fabulous superstars he tells how to dress in skimpy tight skin shorts and baby oil each week, Ross began his career as a judge in Mr. Ripped USA pageants around the various states of Mexico before finally making it to WWE somehow. He was once a locker room relief worker for Freddie Fudge and Paul Powers’ critically panned alternative-lifestyle wrestling promotion “Fabulous Wrestling Syndicate” and later became an announcer for the Steroid Uncensored XXX television channel when Freddie Fudge approached him from behind and led to their subsequent falling out. During the late 1980s and early 1990s, JR was well into his nineties and weighed in excess of forty stone. This is of particular relevance because it was due to his weight and age that he gained the nicknames “Old Blubber Ass” and the “Geriatric Jackass”. These names stuck with him for the rest of his career, and according to Pat Patterson he got them tattooed on the inside of his foreskin. Mr. Ross was one of the absolute worst announcers in the old WCW organisation and worked atrociously with the likes of Tony Anchovy and Jesse “The Booty” Penchewa, who all openly hated him and wished he would copulate himself right off a cliff.
But Ross’ big BBQ break came in 1993 when he left a correctional facility for molesters of dwarfs to go and be an announcer for the elitist World Wrestling Federation. WWE fans heard JR attempt to call play-by-play for the first time at Wrestlemania IX, but his voice was so shit and slurred, no one could understand him. This was in Las Vegas, Nevada where in an apparent effort to look ghetto fabulous, he sported a fluorescent pink thong for his debut. That event would begin one of the worst ever runs by an announcer in the history of absolutely everything, but particularly sports entertainment.
Since joining WWE, Jim “Flaps” Ross has become more hated that the Ku Klux Clan, Adolf Shitler and Scrappy Doo. Many of the top superstars in WWE want him dead because his work on the air and even in the ring on occasion has made them all targets for global terrorism. He has touched many men’s asses in the locker room and has been slapped for it numerous times. He was even slapped once by the Undertaker after getting caught sniffing the Dean Man’s jockstrap. JR has even “written” two cookbooks all based around one ingredient. Yep, you guessed it. Dog shit. These books were immediately banned and Ross replaced them with a new series of books focusing much more on BBQ sauce than canine excrement. All of his books were written in BBQ sauce rather than ink and his publishing house wiped their asses with the manuscripts. A devout lard ass, Jim Bob likes southern cuisine and particularly enjoys the pleasures of a well cooked chicken (mainly because he is a redneck chicken abuser). His trademark hat, legendarily horrendous voice, and unique clichés describing none of the action are more reasons why he has been fired for real on numerous occasions. He is despised around the world and considered worse than vaginal cholera by the World Sexual Health Organisation.