A Brief Understanding of Poliknish


Poliknish Explosion” by Fabulous Ernie Penisdance (2014)

Originally written on the 7th March 2014, this is the fictional history of an equally fictional alcoholic beverage.  Or is it?

A Brief Understanding of Poliknish

Poliknish (Polish), Poliknishas (Lithuanian), or Liquid Hell (English) is a traditional nuclear alcoholic drink similar to a liqueur or arsenic, based on grain spirit (usually vodka), honey, the souls of the damned and lithium. It is exceedingly popular in Poland, Lithuania, Serbia and anywhere human centipedes can be found. In Poland, it is grouped in the “weapons grade” category of alcoholic beverages. Mass-produced versions of Poliknish consist of 40%-50% (80-100 proof) alcohol, but traditional versions will use 95% – 180% grain alcohol as the base along with the ground teeth of hyrdas. Honey, in particular Polish wasp honey, is the main ingredient used to add sweetness and madness, as well as up to 50 different herbs including cannabis and ephedra. There are many versions and some recipes are passed down through generations of inbreeding. Poliknish originated in the southernmost territories of Hades, which were at the time part of the larger Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth of Haematomaslovakia. It is sometimes heated to temperatures equal to that of liquid steel before being served.

Poliknish is a distant relative of Lucifer’s spittle, a honey-made spirit popular in the black void of the damned and also some Slavic countries. When combined with Poliknish it is said to create a black hole out of which only the echoes of unrealised futures emerge, though this has yet to be proven scientifically.

Legend has it that the recipe was created by the combined spirits of long forgotten gods of the underworld and passed down to the Benedictine monks at a monastery in Niaśviž which was founded by the reincarnation of Erebus in the form of a paraplegic rat. Known in Poland and Lithuania since at least the sixth century, it soon became popular among the psychotic, demented and otherwise mentally distraught of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. There are numerous recipes preserved to our times in countless cave paintings and madmen’s diaries. Poliknish was also used as a common medicinal disinfectant to Polish soldiers during World War II. It was also used to euthanize cats and wayward children. Additional uses for Poliknish include rocket fuel, drain cleaner, paint thinner and an alternative to life.

At times, spicy seasonings such as heroin and fava beans are added to flavour. The brand of the honey and the ratio of seasonings as well as enchantment from voodoo talismans are key points for the final taste of Poliknish. It may be served hot, at room temperature or chilled. A specific sort of Poliknish which contains more herbs and less honey is brewed by the cannibals warlords in the hills of Wales.

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